Is this ecstasy? My experience with Ayahuasca

‘She’s here!’ I thought as I sat upright on my mattress after dozing off for a little while. I looked up at the rock formation above my head—in the cave that served as our shelter—and then out into the night sky, filled with stars and framed by the ridge of a mountain and the tropical plants that surrounded us.

While I was in total awe of this almost surreal view, my body began moving intensely. My legs bent and, together with my chest, opened wide while my pelvis and head arched backwards. Our shared shelter, which had been relatively silent before, was now filled with the sound of my body moving, accompanied by a matching breath and sound. I surrendered completely to this spontaneous shaking that arose from my pelvis and took over my entire body.

A silhouette appeared. The darkness didn’t allow me to see her clearly, but I knew it was our guide, Vera. ‘Let’s ask Grandmother to go a little softer,’ she said. I looked at her with wide eyes, my body still arched, and thought, Can we ask her that?! After this brief pause, my body resumed its movement. I felt no desire to steer the experience; instead, I surrendered fully to the energy guiding me. Vera smiled at my response and began her shamanic energy work using crystals, hand movements, sounds, and some burping.

For a moment, I saw her as a dark energy intruding on my process. Then I reminded myself that she has extensive experience with the medicine and good intentions, even if she might not understand the Kundalini process. I surrendered to her as much as to my own inner experience. My body came to complete stillness, and my breath became very subtle. Vera reminded me to breathe. ‘I’m breathing veeeery softly,’ I whispered to her, my eyes still closed. I heard her smile again. I felt her love and sensed compassion towards her as I understood in that moment that she might have thought that I was having an unpleasant experience—but nothing could have been further from the truth.

As my body resumed spontaneous movement—harmonized with sound and breath—geometrical visions of colorful light appeared in my mind’s eye. Slowly, the wave passed, and my body came to rest.

‘Better?’ Vera asked, seemingly relieved. ‘Yes,’ I told her, opening my eyes, ‘but I never felt bad.’ She smiled and, reassured, left my side, letting me continue my process for the rest of the night.

A new surge of energy moved through me. Whether my eyes were open or closed, I was touched by the beauty around me. This tropical valley in the center of Gran Canaria exuded mystical jungle vibes—everything glimmered with light and color. My body moved into a seated cross-legged position, eventually folding forwards. In gratitude, I rested after this second wave. I stayed there for a while as the singing of our shaman and her assistant Jasmin touched my heart deeply. So so beautiful. I was stunned by the magnificence of the entire experience!

At times, I wondered if I was yet uncomfortable in my forward-folded position, but my body seemed to melt into the surroundings. Patterns of light danced behind my closed eyes, revealing the fabric of the universe. The rattling sounds of the shaking instruments seemed to tickle me, filling my entire being with joy.

The waves of energy continued for the rest of the ceremony. At times, I wondered how my loud process affected the group—but I never felt the need to suppress myself. Lying back with stretched legs, I felt my glutes and lower body tense and release rhythmically, cultivating increasingly pleasurable sensations. Quick, rapid shaking arose from my pelvis, spreading bliss throughout my body. My movements flowed intuitively with my breath—sometimes deep and slow, other times quick and fiery. I moaned with joy and laughter, completely free of thought, amazed by the wisdom of my own body, which seemed to know exactly how to move, breathe, and sound.

By now, I was moaning with joy and gratitude. My process reached a peak of orgasmic bliss—I melted into the mattress, sensing as if I were dissolving into the universe. My moaning mixed with joyful laughter and a sense of disbelief. I rested in my being. A participant sang a song, and I continued to be stunned by its beauty. Deep, deep gratitude.

I lost track of time, floating in this bliss. Was this ecstasy? Eventually, I noticed the energy in our rocky shelter had shifted—movement, laughter, chatting, and dancing filled the space. I slightly rose to see my surroundings. My neighbor, walking through the shelter, approached. I thanked him for his song, and he asked about my experience. I shared a few things, and he said it was great to have someone like me in the group. I felt relief—though I had experienced zero shame, it would have been unfortunate if I’d inadvertently disturbed others. With my heart still brimming with gratitude and joy, I sense a desire to connect and ask him if we could hug.

Vera visited afterward. ‘What a journey, hé, Sophie,’ she said. I confirmed it had been quite a journey and thanked her for creating this beautiful space. After our hug, I rushed to the kitchen to quench my thirst. It’s better not to drink water during an ayahuasca journey, so I caught up by drinking at least half a liter, then returned to my mattress in the ceremony space. There was no way that I’d be hiding in my tent, if I could rest surrounded by all this beauty.

Only a few hours later, I started my day, curious about my journey and eager to understand it. I’ve known my Kundalini has been ripening since I was 25, and since I’ve read extensively about its unfolding. Was this a Kundalini progression?

I approached our facilitator, hoping for answers. She seemed surprised when I shared that my experience had been of beauty, light, pleasure, and bliss—without purging or confronting shadows. When she heard I was a Tantra teacher, she assumed I had been actively practicing techniques. I had not—I had surrendered completely, letting the experience guide me into cosmic bliss. She seemed unfamiliar with the Kundalini process, and our conversation left me feeling misunderstood. Her advice was to journal insights, but most of my process had been physical and energetic rather than mental. At the fire ceremony that day, I sat the intention to let go of the desire to be understood.

During the second ceremony, elements of my journey were similar—visuals, spontaneous movement, and this time also a lot of yawning—but overall the experience was less intense. I was more present with the group, noticing the sounds of energetic purging through vomiting. Witnessing others’ processes, I realized my experience had been unusual. Before the ceremony officially ended, I fell into a deep sleep, enjoying a calm, slow start to the new day.

At the sharing circle that afternoon, I felt nervous, afraid of being misunderstood again. Vera seemed uncertain about my sharing as well, and under the motto ‘lack of time’ ends my sharing before I get a chance to finish. After initial frustration, I accepted the situation. I recognised that I must be a difficult case for her. I deeply respect her and her work that seems to help so many. I don’t need her to understand my process or help me find answers. I let go of any expectation towards her and fully surrender to her guidance, wisdom and knowledge. I open myself to receive her fully. We laugh, connect, share and hug.

As the retreat ended, I left with awe, wonder, and curiosity. I still don’t fully understand what I experienced. Was it a deep Tantric transmission? A Kundalini progression? Or something entirely different? I am curious to see how this will affect my daily life and inspire my work. For now, I rest in the unknowing and mystery.

I’m writing this blog to remind myself of what happened. If you’ve had a similar experience with ayahuasca, I’d love to hear from you!